Hi AJ — thank you for commenting. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and it’s actually part of why I decided to write this article. I might write a followup, because I agree that there is something to be said about villainizing individuals over the structures that cause “misunderstandings.” While I feel resistant to calling something that makes people feel victimized a misunderstanding, I hear you that victimizing might not have been someone’s intention (which is why I pointed out that men might not be trying to victimize women above).

Thus, I think we need to avoid individual witch burning, and instead look at why people don’t “know” they could be victimizing someone (or why they continue to pressure women into sexual behaviors when those women have communicated discomfort). There’s a very real problem with men feeling entitled to sexual activity. I think the #metoo movement helps point out the sheer number of men who do, but I think part of the bigger problem is that we are always trying to see it from the man’s point of view and we focus too heavily on whose fault it is — the man’s, the woman’s, or both — that we miss the mark in the major contributor to the problem, which is our culture.

One could argue that if we treated everyone as humans, with compassion, this wouldn’t happen at all. Instead, in sexual interactions like the Aziz Ansari case, men are seeing women as a means to an end. If they were seeing them as equals, they’d be equally concerned about their needs, and boundaries. And, if after needs were disrespected in an interaction, if we were seeing women as humans, we wouldn’t be so quick to scoff at them for being victims.